Tag Archives: Christian

Day Sixty: Preoccupation

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READ:  Read the passage aloud slowly.  Haman is upset because the king ordered all those at the King’s Gate to bow to him, and Mordecai the Jew does not (see Esther 3:3-6).

ESTHER 5:9-13

(9-13)  Haman left the palace that day happy, beaming.  And then he saw Mordecai sitting at the King’s Gate ignoring him, oblivious to him.  Haman was curious with Mordecai.  But he held himself in and went on home.  He got his friends together with his wife Zeresh and started bragging about how much money he had, his many sons, all the times the king had honored him, and his promotions to the highest position in the government.  “On top of all that,” Haman continued, “Queen Esther invited me to a private dinner she gave for the king, just the three of us.  And she’s invited me to another one tomorrow.  But I can’t enjoy any of it when I see Mordecai the Jew sitting at the King’s Gate.”

THINK:  Read the passage again slowly.

How did Haman’s preoccupations affect him?  What did those preoccupations reveal about the kind of person he was inside?

Haman was filled with hatred for the Jews.  Any time Mordecai did something that drew attention to the fact that he cared less about Haman (or the government) than he did about God, Haman became livid.  It’s no wonder that he was having a hard time enjoying the fact that he was about to go have dinner TWICE with the king, at the queen’s request.  Of course, had he known the reason why he was going, he would’ve realized that he had need to be preoccupied with more pressing matters, seeing how his plans to annihilate the Jews was about to outed to the king by the queen.

What preoccupations have filled your mind for the past 24 hours?  What do these preoccupations reveal about who you are inside?

Wow…this is a question.  Considering I am typing this up about 2 weeks late, I think it’s safe to say that my mind has been extremely preoccupied lately.  But, for the past 24 hours, I have found myself thinking about the classes I am about to start (the last 2 of my 4 intensives), missing my husband, needing a job, a few impending deadlines, the precarious state of my life come the first of the year, my sometimes overwhelming desire to FIX my life even though I am where I am because I trusted God in the first place.  So….yeah….I’ve been a little preoccupied.  What do these preoccupations say about me?  Well….that I wonder (and sometimes worry) A LOT about what tomorrow is going to look like rather than  trusting that the God who delivered me into my current set of circumstances will also deliver me to where I am supposed to be in the future.  My preoccupations say that I miss my husband.  They say that I have a hard time trusting God when life doesn’t make sense.  They say that I have an even harder time trusting God when I don’t get my way.  But…most of all, I think they say that I have a hard time trusting God because I have a hard time believing in His Love for me.

Now…don’t get me wrong.  I don’t think that if I really believed He loved me that I wouldn’t worry at all.  What I think is that I would not think twice about bringing all my cares to him and leaving them at the cross.  One of the thoughts I had this past 24 hours had to do with the amount of things that I do not ever bring to God.  I was driving to my intensives, a 4-hour drive, in the drizzly rain, on somewhat slick roads, and about half-way here, I thought:  Maybe I should’ve stopped to ask God to keep me safe while I was driving.  I did, right then.  But my very next thought was: “Well, He’s either going to do it or He isn’t.  But…what if I pray that he keeps me safe, and then something happens?  I’m not unsafe now.  Maybe I shouldn’t jinx it.

The conclusion I came to (or that I am coming to as I keep typing) is:  my relationship with God looks like I spend a whole lot of time hoping that He is not as indifferent to me as I feel He is.  As a result, every pray I pray is hesitant, like a baby learning how to walk, whose every step is halted and shaky.  I think the major difference between me and the baby is that the baby doesn’t wonder if his feet are going to hold him up when he puts them back down on the floor.

But…the encouraging thing is:  I know that faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen (Hebrews 11:1).  So what that means is that each step I take toward God, hesitant though it may be, is an act of faith.  It has to be because I have to believe that He is a reward of those who diligently seek Him (Hebrews 11:6).  If I didn’t believe in the power of God and in the power of prayer, why would I go to Him at all?

I wouldn’t.  And before all this “garbage” happened in my life, I wasn’t really going to him.  I was not trusting God as if my very existence depended upon him.  I wasn’t really having to trust him for much at all.  As such, I never really came to a point of having a crisis of faith.  I never had to.  Of course, what that really means is that I really only had a picture of what faith should look like, rather than having faith itself.

What things would you like to be preoccupied with?

Hhhhmmmmm.  At this present moment….NOTHING.  I’ve had so much on my mind for so long, it’d be nice to have nothing to think about for a while.  I guess, though, more to the point, I’d like to not have so much to obsess or worry about.    I guess that brings me to the next portion of this devotional, as well as where I leave you for the day.  Take the rest of the time to do what the rest of the devotional says.  See where it takes you…….

PRAY:  Pray this verse in your own words:  “Set your mind on things above” (Col. 3:2, NIV).  Ask God for guidance in what kind of person you want to be and what to focus on.

LIVE:  Dream about the kind of person whose mind is preoccupied with God.  Contemplation is a time for receiving from God.  Receive an image of yourself from him.  Embrace the future you.

Day Fifty-One: Our Lives are Mere Shadows

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READ:  David is blessing God in this passage.  To see his entire prayer, read the expanded passage, seeing how he dedicates to God the money and materials generously given by him and all the Israelites for building the temple.

1 Chronicles 29:12-19

(12-13) Riches and glory come from you,

you’re ruler over all;

You hold strength and power in the palm of your hand

to build up and strengthen all.

And here we are, O God, our God, giving thanks to you,

praising your splendid Name.

(14-19) “But me — who am I, and who are these my people, that we should presume to be giving something to you?  Everything comes from you; all we’re doing is giving back what we’ve been given from your generous hand.  As far as you’re concerned, we’re homeless, shiftless wanderers, like our ancestors, our lives are mere shadows, hardly anything to us.  God, our God, all these materials–these piles of stuff for building a house of worship for you, honoring your Holy Name–it all came from you!  I know, dear God, that you care nothing for the surface – you want us, our true selves – and so I have given from the heart, honestly and happily.  And now see all these people doing the same, giving freely, willingly – what a joy!  O God, God of our fathers Abraham, Isaac, and Israel, keep this generous spirit alive forever in these people always, keep their hearts set firmly in you.  And give my son Solomon an uncluttered and focused heart so that he can obey what you command, live by your directions and counsel, and carry through with building The Temple for which I have provided.

THINK:  When David talks about our lives as “mere shadows”–that everything we have is actually only being borrowed from God–how does that strike you?  What item do you own, or what relationship do you have, that you hold more tightly that you would a shadow?  Be honest.

So…be honest, huh?!  Well, the one thing that I held the dearest – more dear to my heart than God (remember, I am being honest) – was my relationship with my husband.  Then, my control over my life.  Actually, I guess those two were probably interchangeable.  I’ve realized that in the last year-and-a-half.  I’ve always had a pretty tight grip on most things I love.  It’s hard to learn to let go, or to hold things with an open hand, as some of my friends put it.  The scripture from Job:  the Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away comes to mind.  I don’t know, but I’m curious if this last year we’ve been through would’ve been so hard had I not been so determined not to let go of what God was asking of me.

PRAY:  As you approach God in prayer, picture yourself bringing with you the item that is hard to hold loosely.  Talk to God about what keeps you attached to it.  Don’t try to navigate the prayer so that by the end you are letting go of your treasured thing.  Don’t try to force yourself to be less attached to it than you actually are.  Simply talk to God while you imaginatively hold it tightly in your hands, and tell him about why it’s so important to you.  Keep in mind that if you are still in the same position internally at the end of your prayer time, that’s okay.

I find it interesting, and a bit convicting, that this part of the day’s devotional says not to try to manipulate the prayer so that, by the end of it, I am letting go of my treasured thing.  Usually, that is precisely what I end up trying to do because I would rather be “right” than be honest.  Sometimes, honest is not pleasing.  Sometimes, my honest feels down-right nasty.  And I find myself questioning, why on earth, would God listen to a prayer that is not nice, let alone answer one.  A part of me knows that God is more interested in my being able to be honest with him, since honesty is a sign of intimacy in a relationship.  However, the part of me that does not want to be a disappointment, just wants him to be pleased with me.  So…I try to tell Him what I think He would rather hear.  It seems, we are always children in some respects.

Luckily, this part goes on to encourage me not to try to force myself to be less attached to “it” than I actually am.  Good thing!  I would have a hard time not being attached to my husband and marriage.  Especially since I took vows (twice – once in a marriage, and once in a renewal) stating that I would stick with the guy until death we do part.  How can I offer that up to God and pretend that I am not attached to it?  I know, essentially, what I have to do is to not place that marriage in a position above where I place God.  I know that my prayer needs to be that our marriage would honor and glorify God.  But, HONESTLY, most of the time, I just want to live with and grow old with this man.  I know that God has not taken that away from me for good, just for now.  But the just for now has also taken a father away from his children.  The Navy did that for years.  But, he was ready to be home.  He was about to retire.  We were about to have him all to ourselves.  And now, THIS!
LIVE:  Take a few more minutes to reflect on what talking to God was like as you held on to the item you’re unwilling to give up – at least not easily.  Did you feel guilty or uncomfortable, or do you have trouble being honest with him?  Why might that be?

I haven’t had trouble being honest with God.  This time.  I don’t feel guilty not wanting to let go of my marriage or relationship in order to fully entrust it to God.  I’ve come to realize that it’s a process.  I want to want what God wants for me.  But, the truth is, quite often it’s a scary prospect.  I know that He has plans to prosper me, to give me a hope and a future.  And I know that future will include my husband.  It has to because we are not divorced, and he did not die.  He has just been removed from us temporarily.  We often joke that, instead of being on deployment for the Navy, now he is on a deployment for the Lord.  The reasons he is gone ABSOLUTELY BITE!  We did nothing to “deserve” this.  Standing accused and being convicted of something you didn’t do is AWFUL!  But my man is not the first, and he certainly will not be the last.  Especially in a society where the victim must always be right and the repercussions for lying are non-existent.  But…that is not my responsibility.  My responsibility is to live my life in a way that honors and glorifies God, and train up my children to do the same, regardless of what life throws at us.  I wish I could say that I’m getting it right.  Maybe more than that, I wish I could say that I felt like I was getting it right.  Or at least, I wish I felt like I was striking out less than I am.  I also wish I felt like I was standing on ground that was a little sturdier than I feel like it is.  Most days, all I’ve got is the will not to quit.  And, I’m convinced that is what’s going to propel me through to the end.  Proverbs 24:16 says that a righteous man falls seven times but gets up again; so, I’m going to keep getting back up.

How about you?

Humbled, and not loving it so much!

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Please forgive my absence for the last few weeks.  Packing and moving an entire house, and trying to figure out what’s going into storage, what’s being taken with us, and what’s being donated is a little time consuming.  Now I’m still unpacking, but fortunately I can take my time with that some.

But now, I’ve got a new post for you.

I was having a particularly rough week emotionally last week.   So, I knew going into church, I was going to be weepy.  Our Pastor also started a new sermon series, bound to last 11-12 weeks or so, based solely on Hebrews 11.  He has entitled the series “Fearless Faith.”  Seriously, I’ve begun to wonder if he’s been crawling around inside my head.  My husband’s been gone a month and it seems like everything this man has preached, in whole or in part, has been aimed straight at me.  Sometimes, I can’t even look him in the face when he looks my direction, I’m so convicted.

That being said, it’s a humbling thing to be made to see that I’ve been a Christian for nearly 30 years and have NEVER really relied on God.  Or had to.

I’ve prayed.

I’ve tried to be a good girl.

And even though a part of me believes that Christians are more effective witnesses when they’ve not been rescued from every hardship, I’ve lived most of my last 38 years being spared a lot of trials.  In fact, the only hardship I’ve ever been through in which I was not directly involved was my parents’ divorce.  At the time, it was the worst thing that had ever happened to me.  As for who I relied on then…well…I was in 8th grade, so my momma met all my needs.  She, and food stamps.  And we only used those for the summer, until she remarried.

Most of my other issues have been somewhat self-induced, or I knew they were coming.  As a result, painful as the consequences were, I knew I had coming to me what I received.  So, I just grit my teeth and ride it out.  No need to consult God on those matters because, in my view, (1) the consequences of my actions were the answers to my prayer, and (2) isn’t asking God to deliver you from circumstances you placed yourself into a bit like cheating?

Rabbit and I have also been through some stuff:  deployments, unaccompanied tours, relationship struggles.  But again, I didn’t have to really trust God.  Rabbit and I communicate well, so (1) we always worked out our issues, or else (2) I had Rabbit and/or his paycheck/benefits, etc.

All of our marriage, Rabbit has been a FANTASTIC  provider.  ALWAYS!  Maybe too good.  He’s been a great friend, a counselor, my voice of reason, my balance, and a defender of the weak (and this would include his accuser).

And at the very beginning of this whole mess – even knowing the case was a 50/50, he said/she said thing I told Rabbit:

“Don’t you dare take a plea.  I do not want you to say you did something you didn’t do.     Especially this.”

I said this fully aware of what it would mean for me and the kids if things did not go the way I hoped.  But even so, I never believed it would come to THIS.  I never believed God would allow something so unspeakable when the accusation was a lie.

I mean, God is just and merciful.  Right?  God is love and love rejoices in the truth.  Right?  And where could the justice be in allowing a 9-year-old to grow up without his father on the basis of a LIE?  There is no way God would do that to…ME.

YET, HERE WE ARE.

You might think the first thing God would show a woman in my position would be just how much He loves me and wants to provide for me.  You might think that scriptures about His providing for the widowed and orphaned would be comforting me.  While those are nice, that is not where God chose to start.

So, what was the first thing God chose to reveal to me?

The other day I was reading in Philippians about not worrying about anything, about bringing my requests to God, with thanksgiving.  He revealed to me that I was not being very grateful.

You wanna know what my response was?

THANKFUL FOR WHAT?

Yeah, You’ve been providing.  No, I’ve not needed anything since Rabbit went to jail       that You have not provided.  But really, if You hadn’t let my husband go to jail, I wouldn’t need any of this stuff.  I wouldn’t have to be thanking You for all of this stuff because I’d have had my husband.  All of this stuff You are providing, Rabbit was providing quite nicely.  Yes, you are providing.  The kids and I have a place to stay.  We have food to eat and a roof over our heads, and I don’t have to worry about a job right now, but I had all that stuff with Rabbit too.  And the kids had their father.  And there was one less person in the world who would have been allowed to get away with a lie.  I had everything I needed, and You let him be convicted BASED ON A LIE!

THAT was my response.

And you know what that showed me?

Not only have I never been in the position of needing God’s provision for anything – other than entrance into Heaven – (Yes, I know how ludicrous that sounds to any Christian reading this) I really just don’t want to need His Provision.  For anything.  Other than Heaven, that is.

I did not want Rabbit to go to jail for many reasons but one that I would’ve never had to see or admit UNLESS HE WENT was :

I didn’t want to have to trust God to provide for me.

Rabbit was doing a fine enough job.

Thank you very much.

I’ve walked a long way on this Christian path I’m on saying one of two things:  (1) I want Your Will to be done in my life, or (2) I want to want that.

I can’t really say I was lying when I said those things, but I know I had NO IDEA the lengths to which God would go in answering those prayers.

I also know that, two years ago, you could not have convinced me I had that much pride and self-sufficiency built up inside me.

You know that scripture in Proverbs about God knowing the motives of your heart (Proverbs 16:2)?

ABSOLUTELY TRUE!!!

How about that scripture about God resisting the proud (James 4:6)?

YEAH, THAT ONE’S TRUE TOO!

I have known for a long time that God will bring into the light those things that are done in the dark and in secret.  It just never occurred to me that some of those things that needed to be exposed were hiding in my heart.

One last thing and then I will close.  Remember the Psalm in which David prays: “Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts: And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting (Psalm 139:23-24).  Be aware that if and/or when you pray that, God takes it seriously.  Be aware, too, that you may well be shown things that surprise or shock you because you were unaware that they were there.  You are likely to find the truth of Jeremiah 17:9:

“The human heart is the most deceitful of all things, and desperately wicked.  Who really knows how bad it is?” (New Living Translation)

 

A Happy Easter Message from my Man! Enjoy because God is Good!!

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MAIL CALL! MAIL CALL! GUESS WHO GOT ANOTHER LETTER TODAY!! This time Rabbit wrote something he wanted me to share with everyone. Please enjoy.

The Cross

People watch as I stare at a blank wall or look up to the sky and ask me, “Why do you not worship the cross?” I explain as simply as I can: “I do not follow a cross, that is simply a symbol to remind me!”

I follow a man that was strong enough to continue on, even when people beat him, shred his skin, and broke his bones. He was strong enough to continue when they spit on Him and called Him names, even strong enough to endure being nailed to a cross to be displayed without clothes or mercy. He even stayed strong when they pierced his side with a spear. Why? He did it for me!

I follow a King that was humble enough to eat with prostitutes, the sick, the poor, and even the hated. He was humble enough to get on His hands and knees to wash His servants feet. Yet, He still never once forgot the importance of a child’s love. He was so humble that He announced His coming glory from atop a donkey’s colt. Why? He did it to show His love for me!

I follow a God that was meek enough to come to earth as a man. He was meek enough to allow the one who would betray Him, not only to live, but to succeed in his vile plans, even though He knew about it all before any of it took place. He was meek enough to allow Himself to be tortured and crucified, even though He had command of 10,000 angels. Why? He did this to pay for my mistakes and sins, even though He had none of his own.

You see, I do not follow a cross; I follow a man, who was a King, who was God! His name is Jesus and He died and rose again for me and for you! The cross is to remind, not to be worshiped. Thank You God!

HAPPY EASTER EVERYONE! Remember, we serve a risen Savior!

Waiting on the Lord

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So, back near the first of the year, my husband bought a devotional – Jesus Calling: Enjoying Peace in His Presence (a 365 day devotional by Sarah Young) he was reading everyday.  Everyday, it seemed what he was reading was meeting him right where he was.  It was amazing!

Since he’s been gone and since I am not allowed to send him anything other than letters, I have made it my mission to write out the daily devotions in addition to the letters I send him.  My original intention was just to afford him the opportunity to be able to continue reading the devotions he had begun before he left.  Of course, what started as an attempt to keep my husband immersed in the word, has turned into something that has been blessing me and meeting me right where I am.  No lie, it’s almost like the devotions he was reading were just what he needed when he needed them, but now that I’m the one reading them, it’s like they were intended for me, right where I am now.

Isn’t God good?!

Because of packing, I had missed a couple of days (because I got busy before I got before God) so I didn’t read Tuesday’s devotion until today.  The devotion for March 26th talks about waiting on the Lord.   Take a look:

WAITING ON ME means directing your attention to Me in hopeful anticipation of what I will do.  It entails trusting Me with every fiber of your being, instead of trying to figure out things for yourself.  Waiting on Me is the way I designed you to live:  all day, everyday.  I created you to stay conscious of Me as you go about your daily duties.

I have promised many blessings to those who wait on Me: renewed strength, living above one’s circumstances, resurgence of hope, awareness of My continual Presence.  Waiting on Me enables you to glorify Me by living in deep dependence on me, ready to do My will.  It also helps you to enjoy Me; in My Presence is fullness of Joy.

The scripture references listed for this day’s devotional are:

Lamentations 3:24-26 – I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.”  The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord.

Isaiah 40:31 – Yet those who wait for the Lord will gain new strength; They will mount up with wings like eagles, They will run and not get tired, They will walk and not become weary.

Psalm 16:11 – You make known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand.

Why do I share this?  Well, for the last 2 years, I have wondered:  “What does it mean to wait on God anyway?”  What does the verse in Isaiah mean when it says I will mount up with wings as eagles, that I will run and not grow weary, that I will walk and not faint?  I had been waiting on God for 2 years.  I hadn’t sprouted wings yet, and I had been plenty tired – though I hadn’t fainted.  All I was wondering was when God was just going to end all this garbage.

Apparently, I had been missing the point of what it means to wait on God.  I had been directing my attention to Him, and in hopeful anticipation of what He would do, but I don’t think I was really trusting Him with every fiber of my being.  I was just holding out hope that He would give me what I was asking for – to keep my husband out of jail.  I don’t necessarily think that was a bad prayer.  We are married, and my husband loves being a father, so to ask that God would allow him to stay with us is honorable.  Right?

While I don’t disagree, I can tell you that what I have been confronted with is having to trust God for my entire life.  You see, right now, I am a full time graduate student and stay-at-home mom, homeschooling the two kids we have at home.  I’ve not had a “real” job since 2003, and that was at a coffee shop.  I did serve 5 years in the Navy, but that ended in 1998.  I don’t have a resume ready because I’m still in school and wasn’t planning on needing it.  My husband and I had fashioned our lives, from early on in our marriage, in such a way that he would be the provider and any job I have will be icing on the cake.

That was our plan.  I thought it was a pretty good one too.  It allowed me to finish school and continue homeschooling.  You know what it would also do?  It would ensure that I didn’t really have to think about the fact that God was the one providing all of our income.

You see, until confronted with the idea that my husband could go to jail and I would be left with 2 kids, graduate school AND no job, no benefits, no paycheck, no home, and no idea what I would do about it, it never occurred to me that, even though I had said the sinner’s prayer and believed that I was saved, I had never really made Jesus Lord of EVERYTHING in my life.  I had no idea that there were a few things that I had been holding back from Him.  I had no idea that maybe I didn’t really believe that I could trust Him with my life or my marriage or my husband or my kids.

But God is faithful.  See, when you pray something that God desires for you to have in your life, he sets about answering that prayer because it will be one more thing in your life that will bring Him glory.  That includes even simple, seemingly benign musings about what it means to really wait on the Lord.

My family was in limbo for 2 years while this case was being processed.  We were told by people who had been through similar situations that the longer it took, the better it looked for our side.  So, I figured that after 2 years, our waiting would be over.  God would intervene and we would be vindicated.  The truth would finally be revealed and all would be well because, then, our lives would be restored to what they had been before.

Well, that’s not what we got!  Now, we have even longer to wait.  Our 2 years has been made 7.

What about the promises to those who wait on the Lord?

Renewed Strength:  Yeah!  People keep asking me how I’m doing.  Well, I don’t have any frame of reference for this aside from being the wife of a man who has deployed numerous times.  But this is not quite the same as that, unless you consider this a mission from God.  So…that’s what we are doing.  My husband will get out of jail, and much like when he comes home from deployment, he’s going to be looking at me and our kids and our home and hoping to see that I have not lost my mind or gone off the deep end and have managed to hold things together until he returned home.  Well, I’ve had help, but I am making it.  And I feel pretty good!  It’s still early, but so far I’ve only had one day that really just got to me.

Living Above One’s Circumstances:  Again, I’ve been married for nearly 20 years to a man who has deployed numerous times.  I’ve never been able to know exactly where he was, what he was doing, or if he would be making it home.  Letters were sparse because he was always moving, and there were no real phone conversations.  Well, at least this time I can write to him.  I know right where he is.  I can visit, and I know that he is safe, eating, and able to take care of himself physically and spiritually.  These are assurances I didn’t really have before.

Resurgence of Hope:  There is an appeal process that starts immediately.  But better than that, I know that my God is a God of justice and of truth.  My husband did nothing wrong.  And he would not take a plea saying that he did something he didn’t do, even if it meant that he would get to spend more time with us.  That was not just his decision.  It was mine too.  In fact, I told him not to dare say he did something he didn’t do.  The person who accused my husband is a disturbed individual.  Much help is needed for this person and my prayer is that the help will come.  What I do know is that there will be no real healing for this person or for this person’s family until the truth comes out.  So, my hope is that God will allow the appeal to go through and that he would move in the heart of the individual who accused my husband so that the urge to tell the truth could not be avoided.  AND, news of our ordeal has circumnavigated the globe.  There are people from here in Maryland all the way around the globe and back again to Virginia praying for us and for this individual.  God will not leave that many prayers unanswered (where 2 or more are gathered…).

Awareness of my Continual Presence:  Well, as if these devotionals weren’t enough, God has shown up in the form of people offering to help with packing and moving.  People respond to my posts on Facebook when they see that I’ve left an update about my husband.  People have called out of the blue to tell me that they found a scripture verse for me.  Men have stepped up to take our youngest son under their wings while my husband is gone, as have women who want to spend time with our teenage daughter.

If what God wants is my utter dependence upon Him, He’s got it.  There is nothing else I can do right now but that.  But it has been good.  While I wouldn’t wish this situation on anyone, I really believe that this is going to be the best thing that has ever happened to both my and my husband’s walks with the Lord.  And isn’t that what He’s been after this whole time?

My First Post

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Wow…where to begin.  Well, here we go!

March has been a banner month for us in the Hinojos household.

For the first week, my husband was on trial for, convicted of and sentenced to 7 years and a dishonorable discharge for a crime he did not commit!  That was March 4-8.

The next week I did nothing but plan for last week and this week.

Last week and this week, I have been packing up the house to get ready to move by the end of the week.

I had begun a cooking project in February, but needless to say, I have not been working on it this month, which means that I will have about 12 recipes to add to the months remaining in the year.  Never fear though.  The recipe box is in a box I have set aside to bring with me.  All this means is that I have gained another person on which to test my recipes.  And in July, that number could potentially increase by 2.  Woohoo!  That means:  if a recipe stinks, the love will be shared among more people, which means fewer left overs.

But, back to my news of the first of the month.  I have always liked the proverb:  “Bloom Where You’re Planted.” Perhaps it’s because I have been married to a man in the Navy for the last almost-20 years.  We move so often that I have had to learn how to make the best of the situations and places we are in.  All of us have.  So…why should this time be any different?

The trial was the end of a 22-month long ordeal that is now, finally & thankfully, over.

There have been so many things I have learned along the way, I don’t know that there will be time enough left in my life for me to even be able to grasp the depths to which this thing has reached, but, with your indulgence, I would like to share some of them here.

First, God means to have ALL of you!

I was raised in church.  I’ve been saved since I was 8 years old.  And in 30 years time I have never really, ever had to rely totally upon God for anything.  I’m not saying He hasn’t provided WELL for me in that time.  I’m just saying that I have never totally laid my entire life on the line for Him.  Oh sure, I have said as much.  I have prayed as much.  But, I have never done it.  I don’t know that I can recall a time when I’ve ever felt like I was being asked to.  Not until this last 22 months.

Over the last 22 months, what God was asking of me scared the daylights out of me.  Will you still love me if the trial does not give you the results you want?  Will you still love me if your husband goes away?  Will you still love me if I don’t intervene to keep him out of jail?

I wanted to be able to say, unwaveringly, unquestioningly, YES!

I wanted to.  But I couldn’t.

The only honest answer I could come up with was:  “I don’t know.”

To be a 38-year-old, raised in church, saved for 30 years, Christian and to have no better answer than “I don’t know” was:  enlightening, shameful, humbling, you name it.

I prayed for 22 months for God to let me keep my husband, for God to keep my husband out of jail.  And I wasn’t the only one.  We had tons of people praying for my husband not to go to jail.  And when that is not the answer I got, part of me began to wonder:  “What’s the point of praying if God’s just going to do what He’s going to do?”  “Why bother?”

This led me to another painful realization.  While God wants us to pray to Him and to ask Him for what we want, in accordance with His will, He will not be manipulated by our prayers.  God intends to have all of creation glorify Him.  That includes us.  If the greater glory comes from my husband’s going to jail, if God’s purposes are served even better by that, then He may just allow that pain in our lives for a season.  But that pain will not go untreated.  Jeremiah 29:11 states that He knows the plans He has for us; plans to prosper us and not to harm us, plans to give us a hope and a future.  Now, in my finite mind, I cannot comprehend how it is for our good that my husband goes to jail.  Surely it cannot be for my good, for my husband’s good, or for our children’s good.  Surely not.  Right?  But the Bible says otherwise.  The thing is:  that good is not necessarily immediate, and it is not necessarily earthly.  But whatever it is, there is no way that God is going to allow us to come out of this thing worse off than when we went in.  He is faithful to those who are faithful to Him, to those who call on His name.

And we have called.  Believe me!  And not just us, but so many others as well.  Did He just neglect all of us?  I don’t think so.

See, for 22 months, while I was praying for this whole thing just to go away, God was sending me scripture verses to comfort me.  And when I was really desperate, He would send people my way who, invariably, gave me those same scriptures as confirmation that I had heard from God.  They would always begin by saying something to the effect of:  “You know, I was reading today and I came across this passage that I made me think of you and I just had to share it.”  And wouldn’t you know, they shared with me the very thing that God had shown me.

And for the last month, my house has been full of people who know our family, people who know the situation and the absurdity of it, who have been here to help us – physically, emotionally, and spiritually – in this time of need.

And that question God posed to me about whether or not I would still love Him if I didn’t get the answer I wanted:  Well, see, God knows me.  I have prayed for years and years that my faith would mean more to me than just getting my ticket on the train to heaven punched.  As far back as high school, I knew there had to be more to being a Christian than saying “Yes” to Jesus and then, just going to church on Sundays and Wednesdays for the rest of my life.  There had to be something deeper.  It had to MEAN SOMETHING.  Back in high school, that was about as deep as I got, but I prayed that God would make that a reality for me.  I had no idea what kind of a prayer that was.  I had no idea that I was offering myself up to God in such a way as to let Him know that He had full permission to make me understand just what I had prayed.  I didn’t, that is, until the last 22 months.

You see, since I was raised in church, and believe that the Bible is the inerrant Word of God, I know that my salvation by the blood of Jesus Christ is ALL I’VE GOT.  It is my only security.  Not my husband.  Not my children.  Not my church.  Not my parents.  Just Jesus.  I knew that.  I believed it.  Well…..to be honest, I think I only thought I knew it.  And I think I only thought I believed it.  It wasn’t until those statements were tested did the reality set it.  And during the testing, I was wondering if I would pass muster.  I was hoping I would pass.  But see, the thing about testing is:  until you have gone through it, you don’t really know what your faith is like.  You don’t know how strong a teabag is until you put it in hot water, right?!

And here I am on the back side of this, kinda.  And on the front side of something else.  But still, it feels like we are on the back side.  And where do I stand?  What is my answer to that question now?  Will I still love God if I don’t get my way?

Now, I can say, with my head held high, YES!  I do still love Him.

I did not get the answer I wanted, but I have had every need met.  My children have had every need met.  Yes, it’s still early.  Yes, there’s still money in the bank and nobody has gotten sick yet.  No, the appeal has not started yet, so there is still hope that we can win it.  But, I am blooming where I am planted.  I am not banking on the appeal.  I am praying that it goes through, but trusting God regardless.  See, I prayed for 22 months for something I didn’t get, and I thought I would be devastated if I didn’t get my way.  But now, when I pray about the appeal, the idea of not getting my way doesn’t bother me.  Now, 7 years is 7 years, and I know God will make something good out of this time my husband is away whether the appeal goes through or not, whether my husband is gone for 7 years or not.  Everything comes to an end; good stuff and bad stuff alike.  So this will not last.  This, too, shall past.  And once it has, we will be even better off than before!  Why?  Because we have Jesus.  Because we know the story.  We know who wins in the end, and it ain’t Satan.  So, really, we have already won.

Thank you all so much for your time.  I hope that this has been encouraging to you.  I will write more later.

Blessed & then some,
Patty