December 6, 2016
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Tag Archives: Christianity
December 5, 2016
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December 4, 2016
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December 3, 2016
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A Call to Discipline
I originally wrote this the day after Thanksgiving, 2016.
One conclusion I’ve come to – or one revelation I’ve received – is that my discipline is sorely lacking. The only things I’ve ever been good at doing consistently are: nothing, watching TV, eating, and sleeping. And most recently, playing on my iPad/iPhone, checking Facebook, Pinterest, Instagram, etc. RIDICULOUS!
And the thing is: I could easily see this as a continuing trend. I have no trouble seeing that at all, as a matter of fact.
For example, this blog. When I started it, I did a good job for a while. Then, I got out of the habit. The same with exercise and keeping a healthy diet. Every journal I’ve ever started has gone the same way as the blog, the exercise and the diet. The closest I’ve ever come to being consistent about doing something every day is taking my vitamins and supplements, and even those I skip a day or two at a time.
Then there’s Bible study, quiet time, reading, writing, etc.
I could go on and on but, I’m not going to beat myself up over it. It’s just a point that needs to be made.
I’m 42 years old and I’ve pretty much balked at the establishment of a routine in my own life. I know I do better when I have at least some sort of routine – a certain amount of discipline – and yet……
That is why I have challenged myself to practice this little bit of discipline.
My one discipline for the mornings is to spend time DAILY in the Bible, and I already have a plan laid out. I do not have an agenda or any kind of ulterior motive except to get some discipline in my life, and to get to know the Bible and my Heavenly Father (Abba). These are my “baby steps”.
I’ve typically only gone to the Lord, or my Bible, whenever I’ve needed something or felt desperate. Most of my life, I’ve tried to handle my junk myself so as not to bother God too much. Truth be told, I’d rather not have to need God (or anyone else) at all. Add to this the fact that God also goes by the name Abba Father, and things get particularly complicated for me since I received some wounds from my biological father during some pivotal years in my life. Thus, I’ve spend a lot of years relegating God to the periphery of my life while playing the “good church girl” who does and says all the right things so as not to rock the boat so much that He might bail on me.
I wanted to be the conductor of my own train while appearing to allow God to do it. As I matured, I began to turn over more and more control, but I still tended to run in and snatch back the wheel whenever things started getting bumpy or rocky.
After several years of marriage, my issues with men (stemming from some unfortunate encounters early on in my life) had been mostly massaged out by the faithful and honest love of my husband. I found I had reached a point in my walk with him AND the Lord, that I could trust my man when he said he felt like he had received direction from the Lord. So, I would trust the Lord’s conducting of my husband’s train, believing, at least in part, that it was all the same train.
And it was. But….it was not. All at the same time. And since the metaphor starts to get a little messy here, I’m going to leave off by saying: I learned the hard way that trusting the Lord through my husband is not the same as trusting the Lord for myself.
A thought occurred to me as I wrote that last sentence that I’m going to call Divine Inspiration: Exactly how did I get to the place in my marriage where this girl who had had such terrible experiences with men could be a married woman of 20+ years able to trust her husband’s guidance so fully that she would walk through fire with him, and then continue to walk through it (OKAY, stumble through it) without him after it became clear that the Lord was not going to answer her/their prayers the way she hoped?
That answer was easy. I have gotten to know my husband. We’ve spent years together. Not every day of our 23 years, but more than not. I know his intentions toward me. I know his heart toward me. I believe him when he says he loves me and cares for me and wants to provide for me. I believe he will not do anything to jeopardize our relationship. It’s been a long, and sometimes hard, road getting there, but I’m there. And I got there – WE got there – by putting in the time. Something I’ve not been quite so good at doing in my walk with the Lord.
I’ve had 23 years with my husband. But I’ve been calling myself a Christian since I was 8 and, now, I’m 42 years old. I’ve been calling myself a Christian since BEFORE any of my issues with men ever began. Yet, here I am, having still quite a bit of book knowledge but not nearly enough heart knowledge about someone I’ve been in a “relationship” with for more of my life than almost anyone else I know.
So…I’m going to take some time this year getting to know Lord, getting to know Abba Father. Surely, He’s worth at least a year of my dedicated time.
(BY THE WAY: as I write this, the date is 12/14/16. In case I needed any further confirmation that discipline is something that I need to be working on, my Sunday school teacher, offered a lesson on spiritual resolutions that he is going to challenge us to adopt for 2017. They all revolve around disciplining ourselves to be more diligent students of the Bible and spending more time with the Lord in our private lives.)
December 2, 2016
December 2, 2016 Devotional
Long time, no see :(
WOW! It’s been a LONG time! I feel like I should apologize for not posting so long but I know that’s just performance-based anxiety-guilt talking, so I won’t. I also won’t make any lame excuses about time having gotten away from me.
Truth be told, when I started this blog, it was in a desperate attempt to bring something of value to God and to be thought something special enough to have some very desperate prayers answered. He did answer those prayers and, immediately upon receiving my answers, my life entered a surreal tailspin. WHY? Well, the short answer is because God did not answer the way I wanted Him to. He didn’t even answer the way He typically had for most of my life up until that point.
What I began to realize – with the Lord’s help – was that I had been under a pseudo-assumption that God and I had entered into a type of contract. I say “pseudo” because, had you asked me if I believed that, I would’ve said NO. Because, of course, that is absurd. God wants it all, or nothing at all. There is no contract. No deal. No negotiations. No bargaining. But prior to that one fateful day in March 2013, my life had pretty much resembled a contract. To my mind, at least.
I did my part. I was the obedient, good little, Bible-study-attending, never-miss-a-Sunday-or-Wednesday-service, church girl. And God did His part and delivered me SWIFTLY – as promised – from ALL my troubles.
It was a pretty sweet deal. Until it wasn’t.
Because, one day, He said NO. And that no led to another no. And that no led to another no. Until the “no’s” were piled so deep I was beginning to wonder if I’d ever hear a “yes” again.
And just when I felt like I couldn’t possibly hear another “no,” Rejection came. Well-meaning, good hearted, people thinking they were helping (to shake me loose from an obviously-self-imposed rut; who thought I was somehow guilty of the sins of pride and sloth; or that I was refusing to help myself by not stepping out in faith, by trusting God) dropped my hand.
I suppose they felt like they were the only ones walking the path we were on and they were tired of carrying me or dragging my dead weight. I don’t know exactly.
All I know is what I was told: we simply do not have the grace to serve you and your family anymore.
BOOM! Another no! Only this time it came from Job’s friends and was paired with exhortations to get on with my repenting because surely I was sinning.
The damage was more than I could bear. AND, I was mad! My friends had hurt me and God had let them, and I couldn’t make anyone believe that the way there saw things was not how they really were. How could I continue to attend a church where a small – but very important – group of people (people who had walked with us from the beginning but now had not grace left to extend) would now turn their backs on me?
Did I put more trust in them than I had placed in God? The answer was obvious, given how devastated I was over something I had been certain for two years was inevitable.
People will always fail me. And God will let it happen whenever I start to trust in men more than I trust in Him.
This is a lesson I’ve had to learn many times and, sometimes, very painfully. And still, my first instinct is to ALWAYS try to figure things out.
It is with that in mind that I have chosen this year’s course of study.I am choosing to focus on Abba Father this year. What He says about me. What the Bible says about Him. His promises to me. And how His Love for me is based on His Goodness and not on my ability to do enough good often enough to feel worthy of that Love.
The plan I had before (the plan I had when I started) was all about me bringing something to God, hoping He’d love me. This plan – which I’ve prayed over since before Thanksgiving – has its roots in The Father, and not in my own pride. My goal is to draw near to God so that He will draw near to me.
I’m going to be blogging my S.O.A.P. notes for each scripture. I will also Instagram a shot of each page (if you prefer to follow me there: @pattyh29). I will be using the hashtags #gettingtoknowthefather and #iknowabbalovesme.
I would love for you to follow along with me and let me know your thoughts. BUT, I’ll be here, even if you don’t. Loving My Father and Letting the Father love me.
Blessings, Patty
Day Fifty-Nine: Just Such a Time
READ: As you read this story, imagine how you might feel if you were Esther: You were chosen to be queen by a king who doesn’t know of your ethnicity, and now you’re hearing word of a political plot that will wipe out your people and your family.
ESTHER 4:7-14
(7-8) Mordecai told him everything that had happened to him. He also told him the exact amount of money that Haman had promised to deposit in the royal bank to finance the massacre of the Jews. Mordecai also gave him a copy of the bulletin that had been posted in Susa ordering the massacre so he could show it to Esther when he reported back with instructions to go to the king and intercede and plead with him for her people.
(9-11) Hathach came back and told Esther everything Mordecai had said. Esther talked it over with Hathach and then sent him back to Mordecai with this message: “Everyone who works for the king here, and even the people out in the provinces, knows that there is a single fate for every man or woman who approaches the king without being invited: death. The one exception is if the king extends his gold scepter; then he or she may live. And it’s been thirty days now since I’ve been invited to come to the king.”
(12-14) When Hathach told Mordecai what Esther had said, Mordecai sent her this message: “Don’t think that just because you live in the king’s house you’re the one Jew who will get out of this alive. If you persist in staying silent at a time like this, help and deliverance will arrive for the Jews from someplace else; but you and your family will be wiped out. Who knows? Maybe you were made queen for just such a time as this.”
THINK: Focus your attention on either Esther’s fear of putting her life on the line for her people or Mordecai’s challenge to her in the face of her fear. Meditatively read that part of the passage again. Picture the speaker, including the situation from which the words are spoken. Select one word or phrase to contemplate during your prayer time.
PRAY: Prayerfully ponder a word or phrase from Mordecai or Esther and identify a memory that relates. Maybe at one time you were called on to do something courageous–big or small–but couldn’t bring yourself to do it. Or maybe you wonder why God would allow Esther to bear such a heavy responsibility. Perhaps you were recently helped because someone took a stand for you.
Invite God the Father into your meditation. Try not to analyze or push toward solutions. Just notice what comes up and show it to him, as a child might show Daddy a favorite toy that’s broken or tell him about a fascinating discovery.
LIVE: Take some time now to rest with the Father. If you have more to say in your conversation with him about Esther’s dilemma, continue it. If you have other subjects you’d like to talk to him about, do so. But if you want to just sit in the presence of your loving Father, go ahead.
Dear Lord Jesus, I don’t know where to begin with this. There are so many thoughts running through my head, and none of them seem to go together. So…I will just offer up a prayer of peace and protection for all the people around the world that you know are suffering under the weight of fear of having to act courageously today. Lord, we usually know when you are calling us to do something that we do not want to do. We usually know when you are asking us because there is this overwhelming sense of not being able to get out from under the request. For people who are struggling tonight, Lord, who know what you have called them to do but who are worried or anxious at the outcome, I pray for strength and courage. Your word says to “fear not” and to “be anxious for nothing” but, sometimes, Lord, that is a tall order. We know that you are the creator of the universe and that you know our comings and goings and the beginning from the end and that there is nothing you have asked us to do that you are unable to strengthen us to do, and there is nowhere you have asked us to go, that you have not already prepared the way. We know that you only give us enough light for the step we’re on, or for the step you want us to move to. In a world full of pre-planning, that kind of faith is hard. Please be patient with us, Lord. For we trust you, but we need help remembering that we can. Sometimes we need help remembering that knowing you can help us is not always associated with knowing you will. Help us to recall those times in the past when we have been afraid, but you met us there and guided us, so that we can take that next step in faith. Help us to remember that we have, indeed, been created for such a time as this, for each and every step you call us to make.
In Jesus’ Name, I pray. Amen.
Day Fifty-Three: F.R.O.G. – Fully Rely on God
READ: Read this passage aloud slowly.
2 Chronicles 16:7-9
Just after that, Hanani the seer came to Asa king of Judah and said, “Because you went for help to the king of Aram and didn’t ask God for help, you’ve lost a victory over the army of the king of Aram. Didn’t the Ethiopians and Libyans come against you with superior forces, completely outclassing you with their chariots and cavalry? But you asked God for help and he gave you victory. God is always on the alert, constantly on the lookout for people who are totally committed to him. You were foolish to go for human help when you could have had God’s help. Now you’re in trouble–one round of war after another.”
THINK: Read the passage again slowly. Previously Asa had been a good king. After hearing convicting prophecy, he “took a deep breath, then rolled up his sleeves, and went to work” cleaning out the temples (15:8).
(1) Which phrase or idea sticks with you?
…that Asa “went for help to the king of Aram and didn’t ask God for help”
…that “God is always on the alert, constantly on the lookout for people who are totally committed to him”
…that not relying on God results in “one round of war after another”
…other
(2) Why does that idea stick with you?
(3) The theme of this passage could be summed up in the acronym FROG, standing for Fully Rely On God. Consider your life – for what large or small issues might you FROG that you have not thought of before? (Don’t use this passage to beat yourself up; that’s not profitable. Use it instead as a springboard to ask God for guidance.)
The thing that sticks with me in this passage, because I’ve been so guilty of it over the years, it “You were foolish to go for human help when you could have had God’s help.” There are times when God puts you in the position that you have to go to others for help. But there are also times when God just wants you to turn to Him.
For instance, there have been times in my marriage when my husband and I have had a plan. We’ve worked the plan. Things have gone well. Then, all of a sudden, someone will come along with an idea that stirs up some of my old insecurities, and I immediately go off-script in an effort to make what we are doing seem less weird to the person I’m talking to. Once I go off that direction, it can be hard to get me back. Eventually, I reached a point in my walk with the Lord, that He started letting suggestions and advice from others take their toll on my marriage. That, in turn, fed into my old insecurities, seeming to justify the fact that I felt that way already. Things would start going poorly, the insecurity would grow, the plan would go awry, and then, I would have to go to my husband and apologize for not trusting the plan, and then I would have to ask forgiveness from God for not trusting Him. All of this from trying to please someone other than God.
PRAY: Thank God that you can fully rely on him. Admire God for his divine alertness and for how relying on him keeps you out of “trouble – one round of war after another.” Take your time so that you fully explore your gratitude and admiration.
Abba Father, it is a little embarrassing to admit that what I know of the peace that comes from relying on you far too often has come from having to live through the lack of peace I’ve had from not trusting you. But, I am thankful that I have that experience to draw off of. Now, especially. In a time when I have no idea what in the world to do, and it seems like I’m trying to plan for the future and live day-by-day, both at the same time, and not knowing how in the world that is supposed to look, all I can do is take the next step I feel is being directed by you. Most days, it makes no sense, though I desperately want it to. And sometimes, even more than wanting it myself, I wish that I could explain it to others. If I could make some sense out of things, I could relax a little bit. But, yes, I hear you tell me: where would be the need for faith!?
Dear Heavenly Father, for everyone reading who is going through something tonight they really wish they understood, or wish was over, I pray for peace. I pray for the faith to keep walking. I pray that they would not pluck up in doubt what they planted in faith. Give them the strength and grace to keep walking toward you, and toward your plan for their lives, even when they are surrounded by nay-sayers. Put people in their way who will encourage them to keep searching for your will for their lives, and who will encourage them to pursue that will regardless of whether or not they themselves understand it.
Dear Lord, you exist outside of time and space. All that is happening to us, has already happened in your timeline. You know all, you see all, and you have orchestrated all this for our own benefit and your own glory. Help us to trust that nothing is taking you by surprise. Help us to remember that, in your timeline, all that is happening to us now has already happened. Therefore, you already know the beginning from the end, and have our steps ordered in such a way that we will come to the end you want us to come to IF we trust you enough to seek your help and walk in the way you lay out for us!
So, Lord, we believe, but help our unbelief. Help us to seek you for each step of the way, every day. And help us to remember, each day, to F.R.O.G. – FULLY RELY ON GOD!
LIVE: Take some deep breaths and ponder what it would feel like in your gut to rely on God all the time, every day. Taste the sweetness of reliance so it’s not a chore but the absolute best way to live.
Day Fifty-One: Our Lives are Mere Shadows
READ: David is blessing God in this passage. To see his entire prayer, read the expanded passage, seeing how he dedicates to God the money and materials generously given by him and all the Israelites for building the temple.
1 Chronicles 29:12-19
(12-13) Riches and glory come from you,
you’re ruler over all;
You hold strength and power in the palm of your hand
to build up and strengthen all.
And here we are, O God, our God, giving thanks to you,
praising your splendid Name.
(14-19) “But me — who am I, and who are these my people, that we should presume to be giving something to you? Everything comes from you; all we’re doing is giving back what we’ve been given from your generous hand. As far as you’re concerned, we’re homeless, shiftless wanderers, like our ancestors, our lives are mere shadows, hardly anything to us. God, our God, all these materials–these piles of stuff for building a house of worship for you, honoring your Holy Name–it all came from you! I know, dear God, that you care nothing for the surface – you want us, our true selves – and so I have given from the heart, honestly and happily. And now see all these people doing the same, giving freely, willingly – what a joy! O God, God of our fathers Abraham, Isaac, and Israel, keep this generous spirit alive forever in these people always, keep their hearts set firmly in you. And give my son Solomon an uncluttered and focused heart so that he can obey what you command, live by your directions and counsel, and carry through with building The Temple for which I have provided.
THINK: When David talks about our lives as “mere shadows”–that everything we have is actually only being borrowed from God–how does that strike you? What item do you own, or what relationship do you have, that you hold more tightly that you would a shadow? Be honest.
So…be honest, huh?! Well, the one thing that I held the dearest – more dear to my heart than God (remember, I am being honest) – was my relationship with my husband. Then, my control over my life. Actually, I guess those two were probably interchangeable. I’ve realized that in the last year-and-a-half. I’ve always had a pretty tight grip on most things I love. It’s hard to learn to let go, or to hold things with an open hand, as some of my friends put it. The scripture from Job: the Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away comes to mind. I don’t know, but I’m curious if this last year we’ve been through would’ve been so hard had I not been so determined not to let go of what God was asking of me.
PRAY: As you approach God in prayer, picture yourself bringing with you the item that is hard to hold loosely. Talk to God about what keeps you attached to it. Don’t try to navigate the prayer so that by the end you are letting go of your treasured thing. Don’t try to force yourself to be less attached to it than you actually are. Simply talk to God while you imaginatively hold it tightly in your hands, and tell him about why it’s so important to you. Keep in mind that if you are still in the same position internally at the end of your prayer time, that’s okay.
I find it interesting, and a bit convicting, that this part of the day’s devotional says not to try to manipulate the prayer so that, by the end of it, I am letting go of my treasured thing. Usually, that is precisely what I end up trying to do because I would rather be “right” than be honest. Sometimes, honest is not pleasing. Sometimes, my honest feels down-right nasty. And I find myself questioning, why on earth, would God listen to a prayer that is not nice, let alone answer one. A part of me knows that God is more interested in my being able to be honest with him, since honesty is a sign of intimacy in a relationship. However, the part of me that does not want to be a disappointment, just wants him to be pleased with me. So…I try to tell Him what I think He would rather hear. It seems, we are always children in some respects.
Luckily, this part goes on to encourage me not to try to force myself to be less attached to “it” than I actually am. Good thing! I would have a hard time not being attached to my husband and marriage. Especially since I took vows (twice – once in a marriage, and once in a renewal) stating that I would stick with the guy until death we do part. How can I offer that up to God and pretend that I am not attached to it? I know, essentially, what I have to do is to not place that marriage in a position above where I place God. I know that my prayer needs to be that our marriage would honor and glorify God. But, HONESTLY, most of the time, I just want to live with and grow old with this man. I know that God has not taken that away from me for good, just for now. But the just for now has also taken a father away from his children. The Navy did that for years. But, he was ready to be home. He was about to retire. We were about to have him all to ourselves. And now, THIS!
LIVE: Take a few more minutes to reflect on what talking to God was like as you held on to the item you’re unwilling to give up – at least not easily. Did you feel guilty or uncomfortable, or do you have trouble being honest with him? Why might that be?
I haven’t had trouble being honest with God. This time. I don’t feel guilty not wanting to let go of my marriage or relationship in order to fully entrust it to God. I’ve come to realize that it’s a process. I want to want what God wants for me. But, the truth is, quite often it’s a scary prospect. I know that He has plans to prosper me, to give me a hope and a future. And I know that future will include my husband. It has to because we are not divorced, and he did not die. He has just been removed from us temporarily. We often joke that, instead of being on deployment for the Navy, now he is on a deployment for the Lord. The reasons he is gone ABSOLUTELY BITE! We did nothing to “deserve” this. Standing accused and being convicted of something you didn’t do is AWFUL! But my man is not the first, and he certainly will not be the last. Especially in a society where the victim must always be right and the repercussions for lying are non-existent. But…that is not my responsibility. My responsibility is to live my life in a way that honors and glorifies God, and train up my children to do the same, regardless of what life throws at us. I wish I could say that I’m getting it right. Maybe more than that, I wish I could say that I felt like I was getting it right. Or at least, I wish I felt like I was striking out less than I am. I also wish I felt like I was standing on ground that was a little sturdier than I feel like it is. Most days, all I’ve got is the will not to quit. And, I’m convinced that is what’s going to propel me through to the end. Proverbs 24:16 says that a righteous man falls seven times but gets up again; so, I’m going to keep getting back up.
How about you?
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