Tag Archives: faith

Day Two: Dear God, I’m Hanging on ’til You Bless Me

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READ:  The devotional for today comes from Genesis 32.  Here you will find the story of Jacob wrestling with “a man” on the brook and him refusing to let go until God blesses him.

 

THINK:  In this section, the reader is challenged to picture the scene.  Specifically, the book says:

(1) Picture yourself in this passage.  Are you Jacob?  Are you an invisible bystander watching it all? 

 

(2) What moment in this passage resonates with you most?

  *wanting desperately to be blessed

  *wanting desperately to know more of God

  *other

 

I don’t know about you, but every time I read this, I am Jacob.  I feel like I have been begging God my entire life to bless me.  But also, I want to see the face of God, Peniel.  Or, as it is in Hebrew, P’nay-El, which is literally, the face of God.  “P’nay” means face today, still.  And “El” is still short for Elohim, or God.

 

PRAY:  Without even realizing it, what I have been doing, in my spare time, while I’ve been here at class, is searching desperately for God to bless me and to show me His Face.  Perhaps, more than either of those things though, I want to believe that I can be seen by God and not have to worry if I’m good enough, to not have to worry about whether or not He will actually see Christ when He looks at me, even though I have taken all the necessary precautions to make it so.  I want to be able to read the passages in the Bible that tell me He rejoices over me with singing and actually believe them for myself, and not just for everyone else.

 

LIVE:  I will share this part with you verbatim:

  “Sit quietly before God, imagining the night sounds and the smell of running water.  Try to be comfortable with God in this wild atmosphere.  What does it feel like to trust and to reveal the desires of your heart?  Be honest if you feel uncomfortable.  What would you like it to feel like?  Rest in that.”

 

What does it feel like?  Unsteady.  Uneasy.  Like maybe it doesn’t matter what the deepest desires of my heart are if He’s going to do what He wants to anyway.  But, what I would like it to feel like is that He was listening.  One song from my grandfather’s church hymnal sums up what I would like it to feel like.  It is called “Leaning on the Everlasting Arms.”  If you’ve never heard it, here are the lyrics:

 

      1. What a fellowship, what a joy divine,
        Leaning on the everlasting arms;
        What a blessedness, what a peace is mine,
        Leaning on the everlasting arms.
      • Refrain:
        Leaning, leaning, safe and secure from all alarms;
        Leaning, leaning, leaning on the everlasting arms.
      1. Oh, how sweet to walk in this pilgrim way,
        Leaning on the everlasting arms;
        Oh, how bright the path grows from day to day,
        Leaning on the everlasting arms.
      2. What have I to dread, what have I to fear,
        Leaning on the everlasting arms?
        I have blessed peace with my Lord so near,
        Leaning on the everlasting arms.

 

 

If you’d like to listen to it, you can click on the link below to get to a YouTube video of Alan Jackson singing it. 

 

 

I will leave you with that for now, and with this final thought. 

 

I am trying to make Proverbs 3:5-6 my prayer on days when I feel like I can’t see the path God has laid out for me, or when I find that I have been struggling to make sense of this world.  I hope it will give you some comfort too.

 

Trust in the Lord with all your heart,

And lean not on your own understanding;

In all your ways acknowledge Him,

And He shall direct your paths.

     ~Proverbs 3:5-6 (New King James Version)

I HATE INTRODUCTIONS!

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Okay, maybe “hate” is a strong word, but I never read the introductions to books.  Usually I find them tedious and dedicated to people I will never meet.  Yesterday (July 12, 2014), I found this book at the Barnes & Noble in Lynchburg.  I’ve been here (at Liberty University) a week already for one intensive and starting another week tomorrow.  I decided to use what spare time I had here to work on my relationship with God and delve into some of the areas that I felt like He had shown me needed some work.  As I was walking through the Christianity section of the bookstore with that in mind, I passed by several books, most of them decent, but, sadly, missing the mark of what I felt like I needed deep in my soul.  Then, I saw this one. 

 

THE MESSAGE:  SOLO 

AN UNCOMMON DEVOTIONAL

 

The cover is minimalist: white with grey letters.  All CAPS. 

 

I was intrigued.  So, I picked it up and glanced through a couple of pages. 

 

It is not like any other Bible study book or devotional I’ve ever seen.  This one is actually more like what I’ve been thinking I needed, just the thing to jump start my exploration into who God really is and what He wants to be to me.  The initial passage is relatively short but, above, it shows the expanded passage, so you can get the context.  (Kay Arthur says, “Context is key.”)  Then, the next page invites you to READ, THINK, PRAY, and LIVE what that passage could mean to you and your life. 

 

READ, THINK, PRAY and LIVE takes me back to the Introduction.  When I sat down to read today, I started at the Introduction.  While I was skimming over it, I came across the term “lectio divina”.  Read, Think, Pray and Live are the four basic principles.  The reader is encouraged to “Remember as you dive into this devotional that lectio divina is about wholeness: whole practice, whole Bible, whole God.”

 

Jump down a couple of paragraphs and this is what I read:

 

“Eugen Peterson called the Bible ‘a book that reads us even as we read it.’  That’s an uncommon sort of book, and it requires an uncommon sort of read.  Knowing facts about God doesn’t change your relationship with him, so take the time to splash around in the Word, to absorb it, to discover what God as to say to you each day.”

 

“KNOWING FACTS ABOUT GOD DOESN’T CHANGE YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM”

 

NO, IT DOES NOT!!!

 

More than anything, THAT has been the truth that I have discovered about myself, not just over the course of this last week, but over the course of this whole ordeal my husband and I have been walking through.  I know a lot of stuff about God.  I know a lot of Scriptures.  I know all the right things to say.  How to speak it.  How to act it.  How to fake it.  But, I don’t think I can say that any of the stuff I know has really made that huge an impact on my life. 

 

Don’t get me wrong.  Over the course of my life, I can see where God has worked and has delivered me from many things.  I am grateful for all of that.  But, to be quite honest, I’m starting to think that I’ve been spared too much pain.  I’ve been rescued from so many things that my walk with God has been, for the most part, superficial.  Even if “superficial” is too harsh a word, it would not be a stretch to say that I have been in it mostly for my own comfort. 

 

The problem with that kind of thinking is:  when things are not comfortable for me, I doubt my faith.  I doubt God’s love for me.  I doubt His Goodness and His Provision. 

 

What I’ve come to realize is that I have been behaving much like a child who first learns how to use the word “please.”  We teach our children to use the word “please” when they ask for something because:  (1) it sounds nice and (2) it tends to make a request out of a demand.  However, we also have to teach our children that there is no guarantee that they will get what they want just because they say please.  There are many reasons for this, but most of them boil down to the fact that getting what they want all the time is not realistic and it is not good for them.

 

Having that kind of pseudo-faith (I call it that because it resembles faith but doesn’t really work like faith should) has left me feeling like I’ve been wandering around out in the desert without a canteen or a map.  Like God has left me.  I’ve even said to people, “At least the Israelites had the cloud by day, the pillar of fire by night, and the Ark of the Covenant.  They had physical representations of God.  I’ve just been left out here to die in the wilderness.  And, as such, I’ve been begging to go back to Egypt.  However, unlike their Egypt – full of slavery – my Egypt was pretty sweet.  My husband was there, our family was intact, and we were basically untouched by the horrible injustices of the world. 

 

But, then, if I’m to be honest, there was bondage there too.  In fact, it took being led out of

“the Egypt of my own making” to even be made aware of my bondage.  I have found that I have multiple gods in my life.  The biggest one:  ME.  I’ve been just like Frank Sinatra, doing it my way.  But, see, my way was not so bad.  I wasn’t hurting anyone.  We were going to church, being obedient, and trying our best not to screw our kids up too badly.  I had several causes I was passionate about and wanted to help out, and was working toward that.  I was even submitting to my husband.  And, to top it all off, I was begging for a life that was lived sold out to Christ because I wanted my walk with God to really mean something.  I did not want to just spend my time here on Earth, going to church the rest of my life, calling myself a Christian, and leaving nothing behind to show for having worn that title.

 

Well, I was saying it, anyway. 

 

My god was my comfort, my safety, my security, my plan. 

 

And now, I have been led out into the desert, away from my plan, and have seen that, I am just like the Israelites, cursing God for having brought me out into the desert to leave me to die, when things were good in Egypt, because I had fish to eat.  Sure, I was a slave.  But at least I was eating well. 

 

I never could understand how they could do that.  How could they possibly talk to God that way after all He’d done for them?  After all they had just seen, how could they think that God would leave them to die in the wilderness?  But, alas, as Ecclesiastes says, there truly is nothing new under the sun, and I have done exactly what I have found so remarkably unbelievable.

 

So now, here I sit, with this devotional in front of me.  Ready to start checking off the boxes of getting together with God, every day, but not just for the sake of checking off the box.  If something doesn’t change – if I don’t do something to take steps toward God and letting Him show me His plan for my life – I know that I am going to continue to be just like the Israelites.  And what I fear is that when God calls me to enter into the Promised Land of His Calling for me, I am going to look and see what is there and say that I cannot go in and take the land because there are giants, and I will miss the riches He has for me.

 

So, here I go.  Solo.  One on one.  Just me and God.  “God, let it be with me just as you say.”

Humbled, and not loving it so much!

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Please forgive my absence for the last few weeks.  Packing and moving an entire house, and trying to figure out what’s going into storage, what’s being taken with us, and what’s being donated is a little time consuming.  Now I’m still unpacking, but fortunately I can take my time with that some.

But now, I’ve got a new post for you.

I was having a particularly rough week emotionally last week.   So, I knew going into church, I was going to be weepy.  Our Pastor also started a new sermon series, bound to last 11-12 weeks or so, based solely on Hebrews 11.  He has entitled the series “Fearless Faith.”  Seriously, I’ve begun to wonder if he’s been crawling around inside my head.  My husband’s been gone a month and it seems like everything this man has preached, in whole or in part, has been aimed straight at me.  Sometimes, I can’t even look him in the face when he looks my direction, I’m so convicted.

That being said, it’s a humbling thing to be made to see that I’ve been a Christian for nearly 30 years and have NEVER really relied on God.  Or had to.

I’ve prayed.

I’ve tried to be a good girl.

And even though a part of me believes that Christians are more effective witnesses when they’ve not been rescued from every hardship, I’ve lived most of my last 38 years being spared a lot of trials.  In fact, the only hardship I’ve ever been through in which I was not directly involved was my parents’ divorce.  At the time, it was the worst thing that had ever happened to me.  As for who I relied on then…well…I was in 8th grade, so my momma met all my needs.  She, and food stamps.  And we only used those for the summer, until she remarried.

Most of my other issues have been somewhat self-induced, or I knew they were coming.  As a result, painful as the consequences were, I knew I had coming to me what I received.  So, I just grit my teeth and ride it out.  No need to consult God on those matters because, in my view, (1) the consequences of my actions were the answers to my prayer, and (2) isn’t asking God to deliver you from circumstances you placed yourself into a bit like cheating?

Rabbit and I have also been through some stuff:  deployments, unaccompanied tours, relationship struggles.  But again, I didn’t have to really trust God.  Rabbit and I communicate well, so (1) we always worked out our issues, or else (2) I had Rabbit and/or his paycheck/benefits, etc.

All of our marriage, Rabbit has been a FANTASTIC  provider.  ALWAYS!  Maybe too good.  He’s been a great friend, a counselor, my voice of reason, my balance, and a defender of the weak (and this would include his accuser).

And at the very beginning of this whole mess – even knowing the case was a 50/50, he said/she said thing I told Rabbit:

“Don’t you dare take a plea.  I do not want you to say you did something you didn’t do.     Especially this.”

I said this fully aware of what it would mean for me and the kids if things did not go the way I hoped.  But even so, I never believed it would come to THIS.  I never believed God would allow something so unspeakable when the accusation was a lie.

I mean, God is just and merciful.  Right?  God is love and love rejoices in the truth.  Right?  And where could the justice be in allowing a 9-year-old to grow up without his father on the basis of a LIE?  There is no way God would do that to…ME.

YET, HERE WE ARE.

You might think the first thing God would show a woman in my position would be just how much He loves me and wants to provide for me.  You might think that scriptures about His providing for the widowed and orphaned would be comforting me.  While those are nice, that is not where God chose to start.

So, what was the first thing God chose to reveal to me?

The other day I was reading in Philippians about not worrying about anything, about bringing my requests to God, with thanksgiving.  He revealed to me that I was not being very grateful.

You wanna know what my response was?

THANKFUL FOR WHAT?

Yeah, You’ve been providing.  No, I’ve not needed anything since Rabbit went to jail       that You have not provided.  But really, if You hadn’t let my husband go to jail, I wouldn’t need any of this stuff.  I wouldn’t have to be thanking You for all of this stuff because I’d have had my husband.  All of this stuff You are providing, Rabbit was providing quite nicely.  Yes, you are providing.  The kids and I have a place to stay.  We have food to eat and a roof over our heads, and I don’t have to worry about a job right now, but I had all that stuff with Rabbit too.  And the kids had their father.  And there was one less person in the world who would have been allowed to get away with a lie.  I had everything I needed, and You let him be convicted BASED ON A LIE!

THAT was my response.

And you know what that showed me?

Not only have I never been in the position of needing God’s provision for anything – other than entrance into Heaven – (Yes, I know how ludicrous that sounds to any Christian reading this) I really just don’t want to need His Provision.  For anything.  Other than Heaven, that is.

I did not want Rabbit to go to jail for many reasons but one that I would’ve never had to see or admit UNLESS HE WENT was :

I didn’t want to have to trust God to provide for me.

Rabbit was doing a fine enough job.

Thank you very much.

I’ve walked a long way on this Christian path I’m on saying one of two things:  (1) I want Your Will to be done in my life, or (2) I want to want that.

I can’t really say I was lying when I said those things, but I know I had NO IDEA the lengths to which God would go in answering those prayers.

I also know that, two years ago, you could not have convinced me I had that much pride and self-sufficiency built up inside me.

You know that scripture in Proverbs about God knowing the motives of your heart (Proverbs 16:2)?

ABSOLUTELY TRUE!!!

How about that scripture about God resisting the proud (James 4:6)?

YEAH, THAT ONE’S TRUE TOO!

I have known for a long time that God will bring into the light those things that are done in the dark and in secret.  It just never occurred to me that some of those things that needed to be exposed were hiding in my heart.

One last thing and then I will close.  Remember the Psalm in which David prays: “Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts: And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting (Psalm 139:23-24).  Be aware that if and/or when you pray that, God takes it seriously.  Be aware, too, that you may well be shown things that surprise or shock you because you were unaware that they were there.  You are likely to find the truth of Jeremiah 17:9:

“The human heart is the most deceitful of all things, and desperately wicked.  Who really knows how bad it is?” (New Living Translation)

 

A Happy Easter Message from my Man! Enjoy because God is Good!!

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MAIL CALL! MAIL CALL! GUESS WHO GOT ANOTHER LETTER TODAY!! This time Rabbit wrote something he wanted me to share with everyone. Please enjoy.

The Cross

People watch as I stare at a blank wall or look up to the sky and ask me, “Why do you not worship the cross?” I explain as simply as I can: “I do not follow a cross, that is simply a symbol to remind me!”

I follow a man that was strong enough to continue on, even when people beat him, shred his skin, and broke his bones. He was strong enough to continue when they spit on Him and called Him names, even strong enough to endure being nailed to a cross to be displayed without clothes or mercy. He even stayed strong when they pierced his side with a spear. Why? He did it for me!

I follow a King that was humble enough to eat with prostitutes, the sick, the poor, and even the hated. He was humble enough to get on His hands and knees to wash His servants feet. Yet, He still never once forgot the importance of a child’s love. He was so humble that He announced His coming glory from atop a donkey’s colt. Why? He did it to show His love for me!

I follow a God that was meek enough to come to earth as a man. He was meek enough to allow the one who would betray Him, not only to live, but to succeed in his vile plans, even though He knew about it all before any of it took place. He was meek enough to allow Himself to be tortured and crucified, even though He had command of 10,000 angels. Why? He did this to pay for my mistakes and sins, even though He had none of his own.

You see, I do not follow a cross; I follow a man, who was a King, who was God! His name is Jesus and He died and rose again for me and for you! The cross is to remind, not to be worshiped. Thank You God!

HAPPY EASTER EVERYONE! Remember, we serve a risen Savior!

Waiting on the Lord

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So, back near the first of the year, my husband bought a devotional – Jesus Calling: Enjoying Peace in His Presence (a 365 day devotional by Sarah Young) he was reading everyday.  Everyday, it seemed what he was reading was meeting him right where he was.  It was amazing!

Since he’s been gone and since I am not allowed to send him anything other than letters, I have made it my mission to write out the daily devotions in addition to the letters I send him.  My original intention was just to afford him the opportunity to be able to continue reading the devotions he had begun before he left.  Of course, what started as an attempt to keep my husband immersed in the word, has turned into something that has been blessing me and meeting me right where I am.  No lie, it’s almost like the devotions he was reading were just what he needed when he needed them, but now that I’m the one reading them, it’s like they were intended for me, right where I am now.

Isn’t God good?!

Because of packing, I had missed a couple of days (because I got busy before I got before God) so I didn’t read Tuesday’s devotion until today.  The devotion for March 26th talks about waiting on the Lord.   Take a look:

WAITING ON ME means directing your attention to Me in hopeful anticipation of what I will do.  It entails trusting Me with every fiber of your being, instead of trying to figure out things for yourself.  Waiting on Me is the way I designed you to live:  all day, everyday.  I created you to stay conscious of Me as you go about your daily duties.

I have promised many blessings to those who wait on Me: renewed strength, living above one’s circumstances, resurgence of hope, awareness of My continual Presence.  Waiting on Me enables you to glorify Me by living in deep dependence on me, ready to do My will.  It also helps you to enjoy Me; in My Presence is fullness of Joy.

The scripture references listed for this day’s devotional are:

Lamentations 3:24-26 – I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.”  The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord.

Isaiah 40:31 – Yet those who wait for the Lord will gain new strength; They will mount up with wings like eagles, They will run and not get tired, They will walk and not become weary.

Psalm 16:11 – You make known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand.

Why do I share this?  Well, for the last 2 years, I have wondered:  “What does it mean to wait on God anyway?”  What does the verse in Isaiah mean when it says I will mount up with wings as eagles, that I will run and not grow weary, that I will walk and not faint?  I had been waiting on God for 2 years.  I hadn’t sprouted wings yet, and I had been plenty tired – though I hadn’t fainted.  All I was wondering was when God was just going to end all this garbage.

Apparently, I had been missing the point of what it means to wait on God.  I had been directing my attention to Him, and in hopeful anticipation of what He would do, but I don’t think I was really trusting Him with every fiber of my being.  I was just holding out hope that He would give me what I was asking for – to keep my husband out of jail.  I don’t necessarily think that was a bad prayer.  We are married, and my husband loves being a father, so to ask that God would allow him to stay with us is honorable.  Right?

While I don’t disagree, I can tell you that what I have been confronted with is having to trust God for my entire life.  You see, right now, I am a full time graduate student and stay-at-home mom, homeschooling the two kids we have at home.  I’ve not had a “real” job since 2003, and that was at a coffee shop.  I did serve 5 years in the Navy, but that ended in 1998.  I don’t have a resume ready because I’m still in school and wasn’t planning on needing it.  My husband and I had fashioned our lives, from early on in our marriage, in such a way that he would be the provider and any job I have will be icing on the cake.

That was our plan.  I thought it was a pretty good one too.  It allowed me to finish school and continue homeschooling.  You know what it would also do?  It would ensure that I didn’t really have to think about the fact that God was the one providing all of our income.

You see, until confronted with the idea that my husband could go to jail and I would be left with 2 kids, graduate school AND no job, no benefits, no paycheck, no home, and no idea what I would do about it, it never occurred to me that, even though I had said the sinner’s prayer and believed that I was saved, I had never really made Jesus Lord of EVERYTHING in my life.  I had no idea that there were a few things that I had been holding back from Him.  I had no idea that maybe I didn’t really believe that I could trust Him with my life or my marriage or my husband or my kids.

But God is faithful.  See, when you pray something that God desires for you to have in your life, he sets about answering that prayer because it will be one more thing in your life that will bring Him glory.  That includes even simple, seemingly benign musings about what it means to really wait on the Lord.

My family was in limbo for 2 years while this case was being processed.  We were told by people who had been through similar situations that the longer it took, the better it looked for our side.  So, I figured that after 2 years, our waiting would be over.  God would intervene and we would be vindicated.  The truth would finally be revealed and all would be well because, then, our lives would be restored to what they had been before.

Well, that’s not what we got!  Now, we have even longer to wait.  Our 2 years has been made 7.

What about the promises to those who wait on the Lord?

Renewed Strength:  Yeah!  People keep asking me how I’m doing.  Well, I don’t have any frame of reference for this aside from being the wife of a man who has deployed numerous times.  But this is not quite the same as that, unless you consider this a mission from God.  So…that’s what we are doing.  My husband will get out of jail, and much like when he comes home from deployment, he’s going to be looking at me and our kids and our home and hoping to see that I have not lost my mind or gone off the deep end and have managed to hold things together until he returned home.  Well, I’ve had help, but I am making it.  And I feel pretty good!  It’s still early, but so far I’ve only had one day that really just got to me.

Living Above One’s Circumstances:  Again, I’ve been married for nearly 20 years to a man who has deployed numerous times.  I’ve never been able to know exactly where he was, what he was doing, or if he would be making it home.  Letters were sparse because he was always moving, and there were no real phone conversations.  Well, at least this time I can write to him.  I know right where he is.  I can visit, and I know that he is safe, eating, and able to take care of himself physically and spiritually.  These are assurances I didn’t really have before.

Resurgence of Hope:  There is an appeal process that starts immediately.  But better than that, I know that my God is a God of justice and of truth.  My husband did nothing wrong.  And he would not take a plea saying that he did something he didn’t do, even if it meant that he would get to spend more time with us.  That was not just his decision.  It was mine too.  In fact, I told him not to dare say he did something he didn’t do.  The person who accused my husband is a disturbed individual.  Much help is needed for this person and my prayer is that the help will come.  What I do know is that there will be no real healing for this person or for this person’s family until the truth comes out.  So, my hope is that God will allow the appeal to go through and that he would move in the heart of the individual who accused my husband so that the urge to tell the truth could not be avoided.  AND, news of our ordeal has circumnavigated the globe.  There are people from here in Maryland all the way around the globe and back again to Virginia praying for us and for this individual.  God will not leave that many prayers unanswered (where 2 or more are gathered…).

Awareness of my Continual Presence:  Well, as if these devotionals weren’t enough, God has shown up in the form of people offering to help with packing and moving.  People respond to my posts on Facebook when they see that I’ve left an update about my husband.  People have called out of the blue to tell me that they found a scripture verse for me.  Men have stepped up to take our youngest son under their wings while my husband is gone, as have women who want to spend time with our teenage daughter.

If what God wants is my utter dependence upon Him, He’s got it.  There is nothing else I can do right now but that.  But it has been good.  While I wouldn’t wish this situation on anyone, I really believe that this is going to be the best thing that has ever happened to both my and my husband’s walks with the Lord.  And isn’t that what He’s been after this whole time?

My First Post

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Wow…where to begin.  Well, here we go!

March has been a banner month for us in the Hinojos household.

For the first week, my husband was on trial for, convicted of and sentenced to 7 years and a dishonorable discharge for a crime he did not commit!  That was March 4-8.

The next week I did nothing but plan for last week and this week.

Last week and this week, I have been packing up the house to get ready to move by the end of the week.

I had begun a cooking project in February, but needless to say, I have not been working on it this month, which means that I will have about 12 recipes to add to the months remaining in the year.  Never fear though.  The recipe box is in a box I have set aside to bring with me.  All this means is that I have gained another person on which to test my recipes.  And in July, that number could potentially increase by 2.  Woohoo!  That means:  if a recipe stinks, the love will be shared among more people, which means fewer left overs.

But, back to my news of the first of the month.  I have always liked the proverb:  “Bloom Where You’re Planted.” Perhaps it’s because I have been married to a man in the Navy for the last almost-20 years.  We move so often that I have had to learn how to make the best of the situations and places we are in.  All of us have.  So…why should this time be any different?

The trial was the end of a 22-month long ordeal that is now, finally & thankfully, over.

There have been so many things I have learned along the way, I don’t know that there will be time enough left in my life for me to even be able to grasp the depths to which this thing has reached, but, with your indulgence, I would like to share some of them here.

First, God means to have ALL of you!

I was raised in church.  I’ve been saved since I was 8 years old.  And in 30 years time I have never really, ever had to rely totally upon God for anything.  I’m not saying He hasn’t provided WELL for me in that time.  I’m just saying that I have never totally laid my entire life on the line for Him.  Oh sure, I have said as much.  I have prayed as much.  But, I have never done it.  I don’t know that I can recall a time when I’ve ever felt like I was being asked to.  Not until this last 22 months.

Over the last 22 months, what God was asking of me scared the daylights out of me.  Will you still love me if the trial does not give you the results you want?  Will you still love me if your husband goes away?  Will you still love me if I don’t intervene to keep him out of jail?

I wanted to be able to say, unwaveringly, unquestioningly, YES!

I wanted to.  But I couldn’t.

The only honest answer I could come up with was:  “I don’t know.”

To be a 38-year-old, raised in church, saved for 30 years, Christian and to have no better answer than “I don’t know” was:  enlightening, shameful, humbling, you name it.

I prayed for 22 months for God to let me keep my husband, for God to keep my husband out of jail.  And I wasn’t the only one.  We had tons of people praying for my husband not to go to jail.  And when that is not the answer I got, part of me began to wonder:  “What’s the point of praying if God’s just going to do what He’s going to do?”  “Why bother?”

This led me to another painful realization.  While God wants us to pray to Him and to ask Him for what we want, in accordance with His will, He will not be manipulated by our prayers.  God intends to have all of creation glorify Him.  That includes us.  If the greater glory comes from my husband’s going to jail, if God’s purposes are served even better by that, then He may just allow that pain in our lives for a season.  But that pain will not go untreated.  Jeremiah 29:11 states that He knows the plans He has for us; plans to prosper us and not to harm us, plans to give us a hope and a future.  Now, in my finite mind, I cannot comprehend how it is for our good that my husband goes to jail.  Surely it cannot be for my good, for my husband’s good, or for our children’s good.  Surely not.  Right?  But the Bible says otherwise.  The thing is:  that good is not necessarily immediate, and it is not necessarily earthly.  But whatever it is, there is no way that God is going to allow us to come out of this thing worse off than when we went in.  He is faithful to those who are faithful to Him, to those who call on His name.

And we have called.  Believe me!  And not just us, but so many others as well.  Did He just neglect all of us?  I don’t think so.

See, for 22 months, while I was praying for this whole thing just to go away, God was sending me scripture verses to comfort me.  And when I was really desperate, He would send people my way who, invariably, gave me those same scriptures as confirmation that I had heard from God.  They would always begin by saying something to the effect of:  “You know, I was reading today and I came across this passage that I made me think of you and I just had to share it.”  And wouldn’t you know, they shared with me the very thing that God had shown me.

And for the last month, my house has been full of people who know our family, people who know the situation and the absurdity of it, who have been here to help us – physically, emotionally, and spiritually – in this time of need.

And that question God posed to me about whether or not I would still love Him if I didn’t get the answer I wanted:  Well, see, God knows me.  I have prayed for years and years that my faith would mean more to me than just getting my ticket on the train to heaven punched.  As far back as high school, I knew there had to be more to being a Christian than saying “Yes” to Jesus and then, just going to church on Sundays and Wednesdays for the rest of my life.  There had to be something deeper.  It had to MEAN SOMETHING.  Back in high school, that was about as deep as I got, but I prayed that God would make that a reality for me.  I had no idea what kind of a prayer that was.  I had no idea that I was offering myself up to God in such a way as to let Him know that He had full permission to make me understand just what I had prayed.  I didn’t, that is, until the last 22 months.

You see, since I was raised in church, and believe that the Bible is the inerrant Word of God, I know that my salvation by the blood of Jesus Christ is ALL I’VE GOT.  It is my only security.  Not my husband.  Not my children.  Not my church.  Not my parents.  Just Jesus.  I knew that.  I believed it.  Well…..to be honest, I think I only thought I knew it.  And I think I only thought I believed it.  It wasn’t until those statements were tested did the reality set it.  And during the testing, I was wondering if I would pass muster.  I was hoping I would pass.  But see, the thing about testing is:  until you have gone through it, you don’t really know what your faith is like.  You don’t know how strong a teabag is until you put it in hot water, right?!

And here I am on the back side of this, kinda.  And on the front side of something else.  But still, it feels like we are on the back side.  And where do I stand?  What is my answer to that question now?  Will I still love God if I don’t get my way?

Now, I can say, with my head held high, YES!  I do still love Him.

I did not get the answer I wanted, but I have had every need met.  My children have had every need met.  Yes, it’s still early.  Yes, there’s still money in the bank and nobody has gotten sick yet.  No, the appeal has not started yet, so there is still hope that we can win it.  But, I am blooming where I am planted.  I am not banking on the appeal.  I am praying that it goes through, but trusting God regardless.  See, I prayed for 22 months for something I didn’t get, and I thought I would be devastated if I didn’t get my way.  But now, when I pray about the appeal, the idea of not getting my way doesn’t bother me.  Now, 7 years is 7 years, and I know God will make something good out of this time my husband is away whether the appeal goes through or not, whether my husband is gone for 7 years or not.  Everything comes to an end; good stuff and bad stuff alike.  So this will not last.  This, too, shall past.  And once it has, we will be even better off than before!  Why?  Because we have Jesus.  Because we know the story.  We know who wins in the end, and it ain’t Satan.  So, really, we have already won.

Thank you all so much for your time.  I hope that this has been encouraging to you.  I will write more later.

Blessed & then some,
Patty