Well…what a week this has been.

It’s back to school time for me.  My first of 3 fall classes began on Monday:  Psychopathology and Counseling.  As one of my required textbooks, I had to obtain the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (Fifth Edition).  The book is about 2 inches thick and has just about every common diagnosis a counselor or mental health worker could come across.  It’s pretty interesting, but I have to be careful that I don’t read it looking for all the ways my family members and I match up with the descriptions I come across.  This could be hazardous to my relationships.  But even that thought makes me aware just how easy it could be, potentially, to use a book like this and begin to see people as a diagnosis rather than as a hurting person.  I hope this is not a trap I am going to have to worry about falling into, but I will certainly pray against it because there is one thing that my counseling education has always stressed:  beware of thinking you cannot or will not fall into a certain trap because that thing is not your issue.  That will be the very place where you have left yourself unprotected, and you will eventually fall.

A recurring theme for me seems to be discipline.  With the beginning of class, comes the need to be more disciplined about getting my school work done, and about watching how many activities I allow to fill my days.  Not only do those activities affect my school work; they affect my son’s homework schedule as well.  The bad part about homeschooling can often be that, without setting solid priorities and sticking to them, it is far too easy to just go about life (just like in the summer) and put school on hold until tomorrow.  But, as we all know, tomorrow never comes.  For me, having a deadline of Sunday at 11:59 pm is fantastic because I always make that deadline.  However, I find that there are times when I have spent too much time out having fun and have to do homework on Sundays.  Just like this week.  This is going to have to change. 

I have been up entirely too late too many nights in a row since returning from Liberty University.  I am going to have to return in about 6 weeks.  I need to go back to the schedule I had before I went to my first intensives; otherwise, I’m not going to be ready to get up and get my day started at 8 a.m.  Another bad thing about staying up too late?  I don’t actually make up for the sleep I lost.  It doesn’t seem to matter if I go to bed at 10 pm or 2 am.  I am going to be up no later than 7:30 most days.  I do infinitely better on more sleep than less.  I know this…and yet, I’ve still been staying up too late.  This is going to have to stop.

Finally, the kids and I have not made it to the beach this summer.  We live 2 hours away from the Atlantic, or 40 minutes away from the Chesapeake Bay.  Sand, sun, and salt water are beckoning to me.  I am going to have to listen.  For me, there are not many  things more relaxing than the sound of crashing waves.  And sitting there watching my kids build sand castles, or dig in the sand to watch their holes fill up with water.  Or watching my daughter, the artist, carve animals out of the sand.  Those are just the best. 

So…Dear Heavenly Father, please help me to be diligent and disciplined this coming week, both for myself and my health, but also as an example to my children, for it is only by taking care of myself that I am at my best to take care of my children and to do the work you have called me to do.  In Your Son’s Name I Pray, Amen.

READ:  1 Samuel 26:7-11

(7) So David and Abishai entered the encampment by night, and there he was–Saul, stretched out asleep at the center of the camp, his speak stuck in the ground hear his head, with Abner and the troops sound asleep on all sides.

(8) Abishai said, “This is the moment!  God has put your enemy in your grasp.  Let me nail him to the ground with his spear.  One hit will do it, believe me; I won’t need a second!”

(9) But David said to Abishai, “Don’t you dare hurt him!  Who could lay a hand on God’s anointed and even think of getting away with it?”

(10-11) He went on, “As God lives, either God will strike him, or his time will come and he’ll die in bed, or he’ll fall in battle, but God forbid that I should lay a finger on God’s anointed.  Now, grab the spear at his head and the water jug and let’s get out of here.”

THINK:  Earlier in 1 Samuel, God anointed David to be the future king of Israel, even though Saul was still on the throne.  This man, overcome with cruelty, jealousy, evil, and insecurity, then repeatedly attempted to take David’s life.  For many years, David hid from Saul’s army.

          One night, David and Abishai sneak into Saul’s camp, and there Abishai notices the perfect opportunity to kill Saul.  But David refuses.  David is so certain of God’s sovereignty that he refuses to kill Saul.

          We all have enemies, big or small, and desire for them to come to ruin.  Yet ponder the interchange between Saul and David in verses 21-24.

PRAY:  Think of the people you consider your enemies.  Pray for them and ask God to help you honor them, even though doing so may seem impossible.

LIVE:  Seek out intentional opportunities to honor those who dishonor you and to value the lives of those who do not value you.

At this time in my life, I believe I am fortunate to be able to say that there is nobody that I hate.  I have had a hard time dealing with people who have made false accusations against us.  I have had a hard time dealing with the people who did not really defend my husband.  But, I cannot say that I hate them.  I do not wish ill upon them.  I do not hope that Jesus comes back before any of them should become saved (if they aren’t already).  I do not even really wish for a retrial.  For as much as I want vindication, I do not really want it as someone else’s expense, even though they didn’t mind getting their false vindication at our expense.   But…that has not always been the case in my life.  There have been plenty of times when I have wanted the person who hurt me to pay for what they did to me.  But all that ever did for me was keep me in bondage to the person who hurt me and to the event that happened.  What it did was kept me from living a life of freedom that God calls His children to live. 

I wish I could say that everyone I knew was sitting in this same boat with me and that there weren’t people in my life who felt the same way I do, but that would be foolish.  There are plenty of people who would take up our cause for us, and seek out the people responsible for our current situation.  I know because they’ve told us that they are merely waiting for the word “GO.”  That word, I assure them all, will not come from us.  No good purpose is going to be served by our seeking revenge.  Vengeance belongs to the Lord.  So, regardless of how badly I’ve been hurt, I have to believe that God knows what He’s doing better than me, and that He has an ultimate plan for this thing in our lives.  This plan, I am convinced, is one that will, if at all possible, end up with all possible parties being reconciled back to Himself.  Sometimes that means He has to bend us.  Sometimes that means He has to break us.  Sometimes he just breaks off a shard and glues it back into place.  Sometimes, He throws down the whole jar and so that He can be the one to put all the pieces back together.  BUT, He always puts everything back together and, when He’s done, the piece is stronger than it was before.  And I know that, if I try to handle things, this will not be the base. 

I don’t always understand.  In fact, I think I don’t even understand 1/4 of the time.  But, the longer I walk this path, the more I realize that I don’t have to understand it.  I don’t have to explain it.  I just have to walk it.  And keep walking.  And keep walking, until He takes me home.

READ:  1 Samuel 17:31-40

(31) The thing David was saying were picked up and reported to Saul.  Saul sent for him.

(32) “Master,” said David, “don’t give up hope.  I’m ready to go and fight this Philistine.”

(33) Saul answered David, “You can’t go and fight this Philistine.  You’re too young and inexperienced–and he’s been at this fighting business since before you were born.”

(34-37) David said, “I’ve been a shepherd, tending sheep for my father.  Whenever a lion or bear came and took a lamb from the flock, I’d go after it, knock it down, and rescue the lamb.  If it turned on me, I’d grab it by the throat, wring its neck, and kill it.  Lion or bear, it made no difference–I killed it.  And I’ll do the same to this Philistine pig who is taunting the troops of God-Alive.  God, who delivered me from the teeth of the lion and the claws of the bear, will deliver me from this Philistine.

          Saul said, “Go.  And God help you!”

(38-39) Then Saul outfitted David as a soldier in armor.  He put his bronze helmet on his head and belted his sword on him over the armor.  David tried to walk but he could hardly budge.

          David told Saul, “I can’t even move with all this stuff on me.  I’m not used to this.”  And he took it all off.

(40) Then David took his shepherd’s staff, selected five smooth stones from the brook, and put them in the pocket of his shepherd’s pack, and with his sling in his hand approached Goliath.

THINK:  What one particular event, character, or feature of the story stands out to you?  Take time to concentrate on that.  Are you drawn to David’s courage?  Are you repulsed by Saul’s disbelieving “God help you”?  Maybe you’re surprised when David rejects Saul’s armor.  Consider what your own reaction would be, and then consider how the characters in the story reacted.  As you meditate, allow God to show you more about yourself, him, and the way life is.

Of course, David’s courage intrigues me.  But to be honest, what stands out to me in this passage is what he tells Saul.  “I’ve been a shepherd, tending sheep for my father. Whenever a lion or bear came and took a lamb from the flock, I’d go after it, knock it down, and rescue the lamb.  If it turned on me, I’d grab it by the throat, wring its neck, and kill it.”  Not many weeks ago, our newest Pastor – Mr. Ryan Cox – gave a sermon on James and referenced the part of David’s life he spent as a shepherd.  He was “just” a shepherd.  So unimportant in the ways of the world that when Samuel went looking for a man to replace Saul – who had fallen out of favor with God – David’s father, Jesse, didn’t even bother to call him from the field.  He was the youngest of 8 and only tended sheep.  But, from this passage, we can tell that “only tending sheep” had served him pretty well. 

Many times, I overlook what I’ve been through, thinking that it’s “just” me.  If I can do it, then anybody can; so, what’s the big deal.  But, I’m coming to realize that the things I’ve gone through have prepared me for my life so far, and they will continue to do so for the rest of my life, if I learn the lessons available at each stage. 

I’ve always been surprised that David rejected Saul’s armor.  Why on earth would anybody do that?  But, mostly that reaction stems from the fact that I have always tried to hedge my bets and make my life as safe as I possibly can.  Why…when you have a perfectly good set of armor, would you walk out onto a battlefield without it, to fight a person – a giant – who has slain every soldier that has ever come up against him.  What I’m learning about God, the longer I walk with Him, is that there is NO ROOM for a Plan B.  God’s way is the plan.  Period.  He is THE WAY.  Putting on a suit of armor in order to satisfy some “just in case” notion is the same as telling God, “Yes, I know you SAY you’ve got this, but I think I should help you out some.”  What arrogance!  What pride!  To think that God has so little control over a situation He placed us in that He would need us to help Him.  And if we needed to help him, would He be a God worth worshipping?  Couldn’t we just find someone strong enough to help us if we couldn’t do it ourselves? 

PRAY/LIVE:  Priest and author Henri Nouwen wrote, “Make the conscious choice to move the attention of your anxious heart away from [the] waves and direct it to the One who walks on them and says, ‘It’s me.  Don’t be afraid.’…Look at him and say, ‘Lord, have mercy.’  Say it again and again, not anxiously but with confidence that he is very close to you and will put your soul to rest.”  (To read the rest of the story, see John 6:16-21)

          What do you feel anxious about, if anything?  What might happen if you shifted your attention” away from [the] waves” and “to the One who walks on them”?  What concrete thing could you do to help redirect your attention?

Admittedly, at this point in my life, I feel like I have plenty that I could be anxious about.  Oftentimes, I am, or rather, I have been.  FREQUENTLY.  At times, I have given in to the helplessness that threatens to overtake me, and I have spent the day (or two) whining in my bed about how much I can’t stand the way things have gone for me, for my husband, and for our children.  But…God has been faithful.  We are not just making it.  Given the circumstances, we are thriving.  It’s hard to make sense of it.  It’s hard to believe the words coming out of my mouth even as I tell people that we really are fine, that we are making it.  But that’s the truth.  God has not left our sides.  He has led us through this and we are finally to a point where none of us feels like this thing is going to define our lives.  Change them?  Yes, absolutely.  Change us?  How could it not?  But, define us?  No.  Defeat us?  Absolutely not.  So, when I’m done whining, I remind myself that I have been through hard times before (none harder than this), and I made it through, and had plenty of strength and faith to draw off of for later hard times.   I am convinced that this time will be no different.  But, this time, it won’t be because I have gritted my teeth and just endured.  It will be because I have put my faith in the One who has been leading us through this ordeal and who will continue to see us through to the end.

READ:  1 SAMUEL 8:1, 3-7, 9-10, 19-22

(1, 3) When Samuel got to be an old man, he set his sons up as judges in Israel…. But his sons didn’t take after him; they were out for what they could get up for themselves, taking bribes, corrupting justice.

(4-5) Fed up, all the elders of Israel got together and confronted Samuel at Ramah.  They presented their case:  “Look, you’re an old man, and your sons aren’t following in your footsteps.  Here’s what we want you to do:  Appoint a king to rule us, just like everybody else.”

(6)When Samuel heard their demand–“Give us a king to rule!”–he was crushed.  How awful!  Samuel prayed to God.

(7, 9) God answered Samuel, “Go ahead and do what they’re asking.  They are not rejecting you.  They’ve rejected me as their King….So let them have their own way.  But warn them of what they’re in for.  Tell them the way kings operate, just what they’re likely to get from a king.”

(10) So Samuel told them, delivered God’s warning to the people who were asking him to give them a king….

(19-20) But the people wouldn’t listen to Samuel.  “No!” they said.  “We will have a king to rule us!  Then we’ll be just like all the other nations.  Out king will rule us and lead us and fight our battles!”

(21-22) Samuel took in what they said and rehearsed it with God.  God told Samuel, “Do what they say.  Make them a king.”

Then Samuel dismissed the men of Israel:  “Go home, each of you to your own city.”

THINK:  The Israelites wanted God, but they were afraid they’d miss out if they didn’t have a king like the other nations.  They wanted to fit in with the other nations by having a king lead them and fight their battles for them.  Read the passage again, this time deeply feeling the determination of the Israelites and the disappointment of Samuel.

(1) Who do you resemble most?  (a) Samuel – being confronted by people asking him to make changes he believes are wrong, or (b) the Israelites – wanting him to be like others?

(2) If you chose a, converse with God about this as Samuel did:  What would you like to say to God regarding these demands?  If b, how would you finish this sentence:  I want to be like ____________.  If you continue wanting to be like a certain person, how might it cheat you out of what God wants for you?

(3) What would your life look if you trusted God to give you what you need, regardless of how odd that may seem when compared to other people’s lives?

Personally, I have wanted to be more like Samuel but, in practice, I have behaved more like the Israelites. Many times, I’ve said that I wanted to be distinct, to have the kind of faith life that screams “I trust God more than I care what others think.”  But the reality is: as soon as it starts to look like my life be heading in an unfamiliar direction, I get a little scared when my life starts to take a trajectory that I can’t figure out, or if I can’t make sense of it for myself or others.  I have wanted a life that I was different, but I’ve also wanted to be able to understand it AND explain it to others.  The longer I live, the more I am being shown that those two things are rarely going to coincide!  I am trying to be okay with that!

I don’t know what my life would look like if it were someone else’s.  I don’t know what I’d be cheating myself out of either.  The problem is: I can be a little short-sighted when it comes to things like that.  I have a hard time being eternally minded.  I make plans for eternity, certainly.  However, I can’t imagine what I would be missing out on.  That being said, I know that there are many things in my life that I would be missing had my life gone the way that I thought I wanted it to when I was younger, before I realized that sometimes it can be painful to follow God (like when you pray and pray for something and the answer is “no”). 

As for what my life would look like if I trusted God to give me what I need:  well, pretty much like it does now.  I’ve been put in the position of not being able to do anything about the position I’m in.  We were obedient to God, and it got us into a position that is unlike anything I’ve ever been in before, and the only thing I have to operate on is faith.  The only other alternative is to take matters into my own hands and grab back control of my life from God.  But I’ve gone too far down this road of faith.  I know where it leads, eventually.  I know that this is the only path of true reward.  So uncomfortable or not, I’m gonna keep walking this path.  I will come out on the other side.  I know that God did not lead my into the desert to let me die out here.  He just doesn’t do that!

PRAY:  Be honest with God about any frustration of wanting to be like others or frustration with those who do.  Ask God to show you the advantages of trusting him more with these things.

Dear Heavenly Father, I know you hear the prayers of those who pray to you believing that you are God.  I know that I was praying to that same God when I asked you to spare me from the spot I’m in now.  And I know that you heard me, even though you did not grant my request.  I also know that you are faithful to deliver those who love you and are obedient to you.  Help me to remember this when I am tempted to complain that my life doesn’t look like what I thought it would, or like everyone else’s.  You have chosen this path for me, and me for this path.  Help me to walk it with grace and dignity and integrity, trusting you for every step, every decision.  Help me to remember that anxiety and worry and confusion are tools used by Satan to try to derail me from this path, to entice me to step away from your will and pursue my own path, my own way, my own will.  I pray that when I am feeling anxious, I would remember that you did not put that feeling there, that you did not lead me this far to leave me to figure the rest of it out myself.  Help me to remember when I am worried that you are not taken by surprise by anything that I am confronting or am about to.  When I am confused and striving to figure things out for myself, help me to remember that you are not a God of confusion, but of perfect order, and that all things work together for the good of those that love you and are called according to Your Will.  And help me to remember that, even though it is painful, I am smack dab in the middle of Your Will because I was obedient, and the only way to get through this is to continue being obedient.

LIVE:  While you sit in a quiet place, practice feeling okay being different from other people.  If you can, view that difference as special or chosen.  Relax with a sense of God’s hand on you.